Warning: Below is a scathing review of GI JOE: Rise of Cobra, it is strictly my opinion (and the opinion of anyone with taste), this is not suppose to start arguments, but if you really think you're right about this movie being good, try me. I use harsh language and spoiler things. Be warned.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
Hmm... A childhood love, i've read the comics since I was like... FIVE. I know the storyline, I know the characters, I know the secrets and I know the PLOT.
What did I expect from Sommers, a direction that did so many WONDERFUL movies. I mean there's The Mummy (not that bad), Mummy II (Ok, stop), MUMMY III (SHOOT YOURSELF), Scorpion King (Wut?), and Van Hellsing (DIE!).... So of course this REALLY STRAIGHTFORWARD PLOT LIKE GI JOE WOULD BE EASY!
NO!
THEY FUCKED IT UP!
HOW YOU ASK!?! I will now tell you how.
When I was watching it, it seemed ok. Then, they showed one of the main characters..
Duke.
As a young hollywood hero..
YOUNG. Duke is not suppose to be so young and.. not serious. He's a hard-ass field solider!
Ok, so far, they partly made one character odd...
Aaah, then one of my favorite characters comes in. Baroness.
Duke looks up. "..Anna?.."
Guess what I get to find out. The Director of this movie enjoys reading REALLY BAD FANFICTION.
Because the Baroness and Duke were going to get married. What. The. Fuck.
THEY HATE EACH OTHER!!!! HAVE YOU NEVER READ THE COMICS!..
EVEN IN THE CARTOON (Which was pretty bad and corny, but still better then this movie..) YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE THAT.
Ok, that RUINED the movie for me.
Not only does he still love Baroness.. BUT HE GETS HELD BACK BY IT.
DUKE DOESN'T GET HELD BACK FROM ANYTHING MOTHER FUCKER!
Like the scene where she's holding the case of nanotechbombs that will destroy the world. And he's all like, "Don't make me shoot you!" // "You won't shoot me." Scene.
You know what the actual Duke would do?....
NOT HESITATE TO BLOW HER BRAINS OUT.
FUCK YOU SOMMERS!
Moving on..
Baroness herself.
Where's her German accent and why was she blonde?!?!?
Wait.. She's not a real Baroness in this?.. She married some French Baron Science dude?
...NO NO NO NO NO!
SHE IS A GERMAN BARONESS WHO IS LOYAL TO COBRA!
For political reasons..
She is not in love with Duke, she never was, and she'd never save him.
She's a TOUGH VILLIAN!.. And they made her all weak and... ugh.. Emotionally attached..
I feel ever worse for Destro because THEY WERE IN LEGITIMATE LOVE!
Speaking of Destro?.. Where is he-.. OH! DOCTOR WHO! Hey man! What are you doing in this movie-.... You're Destro?... But you're British.. Not Scottish-.. Oh fuck it.
Oh hey! Where's your mask then-... Alright, entire movie.. Your part is redundant..
Oh look, in the end he's being controlled.. OH! HERE'S his mask-.. oh wait, it's the nanotech in his body.. making him..metal.. OH FUCK IT! NOTHING ABOUT HIS CHARACTER MAKES SENSE ANYTMORE!
Now, let's go to Cobra Commander..
Ah, a great villian.. Wait... It's a crossover.
Duke: ...Who are you?...
YOUR FATHER DUMBASS!-
Oh wait, no.. He's Rex.. Wait a second, before I complain about the Rex in the movie..
One of Cobra Commander's big things was..
He could be anyone.
No one knows who he is..
So now everyone knows he's Rex?...
NO!
Now on to Rex... Rex.. Baroness' BROTHER. FUCK! THIS
IS A REALLY BAD FANFICTION!
Oh wait, Duke and him have a deep dark past.
No they don't. What's up with the Star Wars sound to this?
He doesn't even wear the awesome Cobra hood or mask.. Just some ugly clear metal thing. How very disappointing..
Moving on to the Joes.
Basically, they all were magically turned into wusses.
Ripcord? Oh you mean that one character who's into air stuff?
NO. He's STALKER.
Except they couldn't use the REAL Stalker, I have NO idea why.
They made Stalker and Ripcord into ONE characer.. SHOOT ME.
Scarlett.. Ah, a childhood hero. Showing girls everywhere how tough we can be.
"I don't want anyone to see my bruised neck."
WHAT!?!?
YOU TURNED HER INTO AN EMOTIONAL WUSS?!?!? NO!
SHE DOESN'T LOOSE BATTLES!
SHE FIGHTS NAIL AND TOOTH UNTIL THEY'RE DEAD!
..Damn you.. Ruining female strength!
But wait, my favorite ship.
Aawww... SnakeEyes put his hand on her shoulder.. And then in a later scene she's resting against him while listening to General Hawk (I think.. I don't remember who was talking, I was concentrating on my favorite pair)
Poor Ripcord, even when HE was talking to her. "Now you see.. I'm attracted to you. And you're attracted to me.. And Zen Master over there but he creeps me out."
Aaa, so you understand-...
Wait.. NO! NO! NO!-.. They paired Scarlett and Ripcord?...
No.. Please, I beg you. You set me up you bastard! WHY!?! WHAT WAS WITH THE (actual canon pair) SNAKEEYES AND SCARLETT SCENES?!?! WHY!?
I hate you, I hate you so much.
Now, my favorite character of GI JOE.
Snake Eyes.
Putting aside the fact that the idiot double character in one Ripcord stole his girl.
How can you mess up Snake Eyes?.. I mean, all the other complicated characters like.. DUKE. SCARLETT. BARONESS.. (Sarcasm people, sarcasm). He should be easy..
NO.
Not even he escaped.
Instead of his canon background that made everyone's heart bleed for him.
In the original GI JOE team in Vietnam. The helicopter he was in blew up. He was horribly disfigured and his voice box was crushed.
So now he can't talk- What's this?... VOW OF SILENCE?!?!?
WOW. How politically correct do we have to get?..
Vietnam. IT HAPPENED PEOPLE!
Ok, ok. So we don't even get to focus on how he's, well, A NINJA?!
Come on! I get swinging a big sword around is fun.
But show us how he's a INFILTRATION EXPERT! THAT'S HIS THING! DO HIS THING!
Ok, what the hell?.. Why is he a little white boy thief stuff in Japan?..
Wait, THAT'S HOW HE GETS INTO THE NINJA CLAN?!?-..
No, what actually happened in the comics is that he fights with Storm Shadow in some wars. They become good friends, Storm Shadow makes him a blood brother and then Snake Eyes joins his Ninja Clan.
Let's go to Storm Shadow for a moment.. Now, the thing in the movie is that he killed Snake Eye's master, well it was his master too..
But he got jealous.
Hence the vow of silence, blah blah blah.
In the comic, that DID happen. Except (for one they were far older) that it WASN'T STORM SHADOW. It was Zartan being an evil jerk. Then Storm Shadow joins Cobra to find out what happened and he DOES DO EVIL HORRIBLE THINGS FOR THEM.
So yes, he's a conflicted character.
I'm actually praying that if they are the evil people they are and make a second movie. They'll actually do that. Because we never actually saw Storm Shadow kill the master.. SO maybe they'll stick to the plot.. The real one..
And he KILLED Storm Shadow?.. You can't kill arch villians?!..
Wait, he's a ninja. Maybe he'll come back later.
Beside, it was a lame death.
Now, Storm Shadow, deep down was trying to do the right thing....But he would not do things that he did in the movie. For example, he doesn't get flashbacks of his master and cry. And he DOES kill women.. WHERE THE HECK DID THAT COME FROM!?!
Speaking of..
Poor Cover Girl..
From secret agent to.. Secretary.
And they killed her too.. What a.. under appreciated character.
And that was Breaker?... Wow, he's.. a french latino dude. Not the.. California kid he's suppose to be..
Now general complaints. They made the GI JOE base wussy. I mean.. Cobra completely owned them (but they were owned again later).. So only five GI Joes can actually fight apparently..
General Hawk, poor him.. His actor destroyed the awesome character he is..
At least Heavy Duty wasn't ruined...
Now.. Mediocre scenes..
~ Snakes Eyes walking on his hands across the floor of doom. Showed he could infiltrate, but it was corny.
~ Duke discovering Anna. He has the "Why won't by ex-finance give me the box of weapons of mass destruction" face, not the "Why the heck is my ex-fiancee a brunette now?.. And why is she helping an evil organization destroy the world" face he should have on.
~ Duke discovering the Doctor is Rex. Star Wars FTW.
~ Scarlett and Ripcord discovering the plane/battle jet thing.. Is voice activated with Celtic.. No way. Stupidest thing ever.
~ Baroness getting various flashbacks of the wonderful life she had with Duke. Really?
~ The Baroness and Duke romantic ending. Yuck.
What I will say though, is they got the action right.
But everything else failed.
I mean, they destroyed the ONLY TWO LEGITIMATE PAIRS IN ALL OF GI JOE!
So in the end, it was just a really bad fanfiction written by LolzCatGirl146 on FanFiction.net. Because all the characters were out of character, none of the canon details for them from the original comics was used at all. Because we have to be politically correct to the point of ruining classic comics.
Edit: OH! AND DUKE GOT A HIT ON SNAKE EYES?!?!?!?!?!?!
NEVER! EVER! DOESN'T HAPPEN! NOT REALISTIC! KEEP DREAMING!
I'm sure there are dozens of other things that I should be complaining about in this movie, but the bad movie killed my brain.